


Guys Like You and Me

by emirain



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Connor Murphy Lives (Dear Evan Hansen), Gen, Platonic Relationships, The Boys Go To Therapy, it's like a Slow Burn but with friendship, mentions of suicide and drug use, not in more detail than the musical though, platonic fluff, teenage boys being socially awkward but still good people, these punks deserve to have friends damnit, they do lots of other stuff besides therapy too
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-02
Updated: 2020-12-05
Packaged: 2021-03-04 00:54:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24504982
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emirain/pseuds/emirain
Summary: In which Connor survives his attempt, and Evan and Jared are both brought in for a mandatory check-in with a therapist. Which proves to be only the first of many instances where the three are unable to rid themselves of each other, hard as they may try.
Relationships: Evan Hansen & Connor Murphy, Evan Hansen & Jared Kleinman, Evan Hansen & Jared Kleinman & Connor Murphy, Jared Kleinman & Connor Murphy
Comments: 32
Kudos: 50





	1. Something New

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for (nongraphic) mentions of a suicide attempt!

“This,” Jared proclaimed rather bluntly, “Is the dumbest shit you’ve ever gotten us into, Hansen.”

Evan nodded his head in agreement, glancing around the otherwise empty waiting room. The two certainly looked dumb, sitting there with their legs thumping impatiently. 

They were waiting on Connor Murphy, of all people. Not even two days into their senior year, Connor was found making plans for suicide, and hospitalized afterwards. Unfortunately, this likely wasn’t the first time it had happened, but it was unique for two reasons.

One being Zoe. Zoe wasn’t at school the day after, which was how Evan knew something was up -- Zoe never missed school. He’d told Jared, who in turn informed him that stalking Zoe didn’t make him psychic. But there they were.

In the office of a professional therapist, after filling out an extensive suicide-risk assessment questionairre, waiting to be called in to talk about what went down on the first day of school. Which was the other reason this Connor crisis was unique -- Evan and Jared had gotten themselves involved.

It wasn’t hard to see how -- on the day Connor was found, he was probably bombarded with a slew of questions about what he was feeling, how long he’d been that way, what had happened beforehand. It only made sense that he brought up his altercations with Evan and Jared that day: the school-shooter comment and computer lab incident came to mind. 

Evan didn’t have any more time to dwell. The door down the hall creaked open, and a few footsteps later, a clean-cut woman was standing in front of them with a pleasant smile. “Evan and Jared?”

“That’s us,” Evan provided anxiously. 

Jared pushed his headphones down around his neck and hefted himself up with disdain. The two followed the therapist into the back room, greeted by plush sofas and one Connor Murphy.

As the therapist -- a name plate on her desk provided Sandra Huston -- took a seat on the chair opposite Connor, Jared and Evan hesitantly sat on the same couch as him, trying to put as much space as possible between them.

“I’m Dr. Huston,” the woman said just as pleasantly as before, “And you know Connor.”

Murphy gave them nothing, staring intently at the wall through his curtain of hair.

Dr. Huston cleared her throat and continued, “Thank you for coming in today. I just wanted to ask you a couple of questions; it won’t take long.”

Evan shot a glance at Jared beside him, then at Connor on his other side. Neither of them made eye contact.

“Evan Hansen?” Dr. Huston asked, looking uncertainly between him and Jared. 

Evan’s head turned back to her in recognition. 

“Have you been having any thoughts of hurting yourself or others?” She asked.

Evan blanked for a moment, stunned by the bluntness.Then, surprisingly easily, he replied “No.”

It was half true -- He didn’t think about hurting others, and he hadn’t thought about hurting himself in a while. If two weeks counted as a while.

Dr. Huston nodded her acknowledgement, then turned to Jared. “Same question for you; have you been having thoughts about hurting yourself or others?”

Jared was looking around the room with boredom, his eyes pausing every once in a while on a poster or fidget toy. He shook his head, “No ma’am.”

“And just to confirm, you’re Jared?” the therapist asked.

Jared nodded hesitantly.

“Do you have any concerns about the threat of a shooting incident at your school?” Dr. Huston asked.

Evan's eyes immediately darted to Jared’s face, which had noticeably paled. They both must have recalled the school shooter comment at the same moment, and being called out on it by an adult was enough to make Jared gulp.

Jared blinked a few times, but then managed, “No, no. None at all.”

“That’s great.” Dr. Huston smiled. “You know if you ever feel that way, you can tell a trusted adult at your school.”

Jared nodded again, his cheeks flushed.

“Well, that’ll be all,” Dr. Huston concluded pleasantly, “Thank you again for coming in.”

The boys shuffled out after she got the door for them, with Connor trailing somewhat behind the other two. 

As eager as Jared and Evan were to leave, however, they got stopped just before the exit by Connor speaking up with, “Hey, Evan.”

Evan internally grimaced, pressed his fingertips into his fists anxiously, but turned around nonetheless. 

Connor Murphy looked noticeably different from the first day of school; his short stay in the local mental hospital had no doubt forced him to get some rest and eat properly. He was still rocking the shoulder-length hair and a naturally intimidating glare.

But it was mostly the way Connor walked towards him, standing tall even with his shoulders hunched, that made Evan nearly take a step back.

Jared stood just beside the door, his eyes locked on the two in what Evan assumed to be sick amusement. 

But Connor didn’t shove him to the ground -- he only said, with surprising sincerity, “I’m sorry I pushed you.”

When Evan lifted his eyes from the floor, Connor had his hand outstretched. He was waiting on Evan to do the manly handshake-truce thing. Evan suppressed his instinct to wipe his hand on his pants first and complied.

Then, mercifully, they both let go and Evan was _so_ close to leaving the building, if not for one family friend blocking the door. 

“Connor,” Jared piped up. 

Evan silently noted he had never wished to be someplace else harder.

“Don’t kill yourself,” Jared finished, as candid as ever, and finally pushed open the door to leave.

Evan barely made it to the passenger seat of Jared’s Subaru without falling over himself. He was sure he looked like a sweaty, jittery mess, confirmed by the once-over Jared gave him as he got in the car.

“Dude, chill.” He said, his voice heavy with annoyance as he buckled up. “I don’t need vomit all over my car.”

Evan didn’t laugh, but that was fine. Jared always seemed quite amused with himself regardless.

It was alright, though. Evan had started to ground himself by the time they were pulling out of the parking lot.

Jared glanced both ways as he pulled out, then asked, “Do you feel like McDonalds?”

Evan immediately looked at the clock situated beside the car radio. “School doesn’t end ‘til 3.”

“You want to go back for an hour of school?”

_Kind of._ Evan held his tongue.

“Man, I’m being nice to you,” Jared pointed out with some exasperation. “I’m _letting_ you skip class with me. Only happens once.”

“Alright, cool.” Evan quickly supplied. He knew that in reality Jared probably just didn’t want to be seen arriving back at school with Evan Hansen, but he’d take the little victories as they came. “McDonalds is great.”

“Great.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave a comment to let me know what you think! I'll have the next chapter up soon with certifiably more Connor Murphy and certifiably more AP Literature group projects (you'll see). Thank you so much for reading!


	2. On the Mend

Evan knew he had a poor track record with picking up on social cues, but there were certain people he could read like the back of his hand.

On a good day, one of those people was Jared. Years of going to synagogue together and being dragged along to the same dinners had bestowed a reluctant sense of familiarity upon them both. 

It was how Evan knew, without Jared making a noise, that he was thinking, “You’ve got to be shitting me.”

And yeah, it was a justified thought. It was barely 8:30am, they were waiting for their unenthusiastic AP Literature teacher to start class, and Connor Murphy had just walked through the door with schedule in hand.

It was the Monday after they’d been called in to check with the therapist, and no one more than Evan had been praying things would just return to normal. But as Connor sat down in the row behind Jared (and in front of Evan), and the teacher called out his name during roll call, it was clear that this was not some fluke of reality. 

Evan began bouncing his leg up and down in his seat, trying to see past Connor at Jared for some kind of nonverbal communication-- even just a nod of solidarity. Unfortunately, Connor was much taller than him and blocked the view.

It wasn’t until the teacher instructed them to split up into small groups to discuss the reading -- a section of Beowulf -- that Evan could finally relocate to the seat besides Jared.

“Oh, that’s a _good_ place for you to be right now.” Jared commented sarcastically. He lifted his head from the table and blinked sleepily a few times at Evan.

“What?” Evan asked defensively. He readjusted his notebook on the desk in front of him. 

“Unless you can haul ass to Alana’s table before--”

Jared was interrupted by the teacher announcing that their groups would now have five minutes to discuss central themes, and he sighed.

“Neither of us did the reading,” Jared explained under his breath, “And now we’re both with Murphy.”

Both boys turned their chairs to face said classmate, with Jared choosing to sit backwards in his. He wasn’t pulling off the relaxed look quite as well as Connor, who was slouched back in his seat and looking at them both expectantly, book in his hands.

“Long time, no see.” Jared offered with a disingenuous smile. Just moments earlier he’d practically been napping in his seat, but Evan supposed that nothing made his family friend more chipper than the chance to jab at Connor Murphy. “What brings you to this hellhole?”

Like Evan had expected, Connor bristled at first. 

“You’re not the only ones who can take AP.”

Then, Connor sat forward in his seat and tugged at his hoodie sleeve. Almost self-consciously. “My parents wanted me to get some college credits before I graduate.”

Jared nodded slowly. “That’s sweet. Just as an FYI, Evan and I don’t know shit about the central themes, so we can’t help you out.”

Evan felt his cheeks flush with embarrassment, and he stammered, “Well, I actually-- I usually do the reading, I just.. I just got really busy.”

Connor was as unimpressed as any teacher would’ve been with the excuse. “Okay...”

He looked between the two of them again, as if he were considering something. Then, he opened his _Beowulf_ book and turned it around to face them both. 

“Here, it talks about grief,” Connor explained, gesturing to a line of the epic poem with an annotation beside it. “And here...” He moved his finger to the next page, “It’s an example of Beowulf’s loyalty. It’s his uh... his guiding virtue, or whatever.”

“You actually read it?” Jared asked.

Connor looked up at him. “No, I’m pulling this out of my ass.” He replied sarcastically.

Evan gently grasped the edge of Connor’s book. “Can I see?”  
  


Connor nodded, handing it over for Evan to see the pages he’d filled with annotations of every variety -- circled terms in the passage, scrawlings in the margins about their meanings and connections, question marks dotted throughout. Connor’s handwriting was difficult to decipher -- it was slanted and messy, like it had been since the 5th grade -- but it was still plain to see how much thought had gone into the annotations.

Jared was glancing over Evan’s shoulder at the marked-up pages, and exhaled heavily to show his regard. “I never knew you were a nerd, Connor.”  
  


“Shut up.” Connor quipped immediately. But unlike most of the times he spoke to Jared, there was no real heat behind his words.

The trio was interrupted by one AP Lit Teacher (Evan could never remember if it was Ms. Davis or Ms. Davidson) calling upon the first group to share their thoughts. 

Then their small group was up, and when a few seconds of silence went by, the teacher cleared her throat impatiently. “Evan, what did your group think about the reading?”

All too familiar was the feeling of dread in Evan’s stomach, a pit that appeared any time a teacher called on him. The older he got, the more he was able to grimace and push through, but he resented that feeling nonetheless. 

Evan fidgeted with the corner of his book as he spoke up, “We thought that uh-- there was a recurring theme of grief, on lines seventy to seventy-three.” 

Jared interjected, “And on line...” He leaned over to see the book’s annotations over Evan’s shoulder. “Eighty, through eighty-six, it’s an example of Beowulf’s loyalty.”

The teacher gave them a satisfied nod, before calling on an eager Alana Beckman across the room, who started to rattle off, “Adding on to what Jared and Evan said, the undying loyalty Beowulf has for the Danes...”

Soon enough the second period bell rang, and Evan set to packing up his things with the thought that maybe he would spend the extra half-hour every night reading the poem. If even Connor Murphy found it worthwhile, then it must be something special.

“Hey,” Jared remarked beside Evan, turning once more to face Connor. He shrugged his backpack onto his shoulders. “Thanks for saving our asses today.”

“No problem.” Connor replied coolly. He gave them both a small nod, then stalked out of the classroom with his messenger bag slung across his shoulders.

-

Evan approached Connor later that day in the hall, half-jogging up to Connor’s locker as casually as he could. 

“Your book.” Evan greeted. He sounded slightly out of breath.

“What?” Connor pushed his locker door to a more closed position so he could look at the person talking to him. 

“I accidentally stole your book.” Evan explained with a nervous smile. He extended the copy of _Beowulf_ in his hands to Connor. “I just- You worked really hard on it, I didn’t want you to lose your work.”

Connor eyed him for a moment before accepting it, gently placing it inside his locker.

“How’s your arm?” Connor asked, changing the subject abruptly as he was wont to do.

Evan glanced down at his cast, with the other’s name still scrawled in big black letters across it. 

“It’s alright,” He answered. “I only have to wear this for a few more weeks.”

“Then you can go back to climbing trees?” Connor asked lightheartedly. A smile played at the corners of his lips.

Evan laughed, if only to appease Connor’s good mood. He still hadn’t told anyone the truth about his fall, and the subject stung a bit. 

“No actually, that’s the funny thing,” He explained with his nervous smile, “‘Cause once this comes off, then I go to six to eight weeks of physical therapy, and- well, my doctor says I might have to wear a brace sometimes after that.”

Connor’s eyes widened momentarily and he raised his eyebrows. “That sucks.”

Evan gave him a small nod, his smile fading.

“I’ll see you tomorrow.”

And once again, Connor had disappeared into the crowded halls.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so much for reading! Please leave a comment to let me know what you think (some other Murphy family members may be making an appearance in the next chapters!).


	3. Scratches

On Wednesday, they returned to English class significantly less tired and significantly less surprised by Murphy’s presence. Class was still a few minutes away from starting, and Evan could see from the white board that they’d be assigned a project today.

[You do the reading?] He texted Jared.

[Yes]

[Slacker.]

[I got busy again] Evan quickly fired back.

[Mhm].

[Does Murphy look different to you?]

[All I can see is his hair, Jared]

Once again, the teacher asked them to separate into groups -- only this time for a project. Their first of three for the semester, which would apparently count for a large chunk of their grade. Connor and Evan shuffled over to Jared’s table, which other classmates had quickly learned to migrate from.

Jared flapped the rubric back and forth. “At least it’s only one page.”

“There’s a back.” Evan quietly murmured.

Connor slumped down to rest his head on the table, atop his folded arms.

“Yo, Murphy.” Jared sighed. He lightly tapped Connor’s arm with the paper. “Do you wanna be the illustrator or the...”

Jared’s voice trailed off as Connor lifted his head. Brown hair fell into his face and he squinted at the two of them with bloodshot, watery eyes.

“Are you high?”

“Jared,” Evan reprimanded in a panicked voice.

“What?” Jared asked defensively. He started chuckling in realization. “Oh..my... _god_ , you absolutely are.”

Connor gave them a dopey smile before resting his head back on his arms. “I can do the art.”

Evan looked taken aback, but he returned his gaze to his own rubric nonetheless. “Uh, okay. I can do the research.”

“Fantastic.” Jared concluded. “I’ll choose the passages and shit. We can meet at Evan’s house.”

“Wh-” Evan whirled around to face Jared. “Why do we have to do my place?”

“I’m not having either of you in my house.” Jared answered. 

Evan wanted to point out that he’d been in Jared’s house plenty of times, but he paused purely because of the confidence with which Jared said it.

“I don’t know where you live.” Connor interrupted. He’d propped his head up on his hand, giving them a moment of his fleeting attention.

“Oh,” Evan turned back to him. He could almost feel Jared’s internal laughter at what he was about to do. “Here, I can give you my number and uh-- text the address.”

Then, lo and behold, Evan was writing his phone number on a piece of notebook paper and handing it to Connor Murphy. The thought of giving Connor access to him outside of school for some reason made him visibly anxious, and, for a moment he was glad Connor was not in his most perceptive state.

Evan tried airing it out to Jared on his way out from school.

“What does that even mean, ‘what’s he gonna do with it’?” Jared asked, obviously suppressing an eye roll. “What, you think he’s gonna sell your contact info to a bunch of porno directors?”

“I-- No, I don’t think so,” Evan responded, quickening his pace to keep up with Jared. “Is that a thing?”  
  


“Dude,” Jared said as he turned to face Evan. They’d stopped just outside the doors to the parking lot. “You need to _relax_.”

Evan let out a shaky breath. 

“And stop following me around like a lost puppy.” Jared continued. Then, with a glance to Evan’s cast, he amended, “Three-legged lost puppy. People are gonna think I hang out with you.”

Evan smiled a little, because even if nothing else, he could always count on Jared being a prick. “Okay.”

Jared looked at him expectantly. “Go catch your bus, dumbass.” 

Evan didn’t need to be told twice, and he heard Jared call after him, “And tell your mom I was nice to you!”

There was another constant. Being needed, even if only for someone’s car insurance.

Evan caught his mom on her way out of the house, and he realized how rare and comforting it was to briefly be home at the same time as her. “Hey, mom.”

Heidi looked up from the kitchen table, car keys in hand. “Hey, honey.”

She was smiling, but her voice had that apologetic drawl to it like it always did before bad news. “I’m sorry I can’t stay, I’m late to work.”

Heidi crossed the room as Evan set his backpack down on a chair, pressing a kiss to his forehead. “But when I get home, I wanna hear all about your day, alright?”

“Alright,” Evan responded just as cheerfully. He knew his mom, and he knew she’d likely end up taking another shift for one of the nurses that night, because she was kind to a fault. But he never had the heart to bring it up and ruin her mood.

“Hey, really quick.” Evan blurted. 

His mom turned around as she reached the front door.

“Is it okay if I have some people from school over this week?” Evan glanced down at his phone, which had lit up with a notification. “It’s just Jared and this kid from AP Lit, we have a project we’re working on--”

“Oh, of course honey.” Heidi smiled at him. “I’m so glad you’re spending time with Jared right now, he needs good friends like you.”

Her hand was on the door handle, and Evan truly wanted to ignore the statement, but he couldn’t help it. “What does that mean?”

“With--” Heidi’s brow furrowed. “With the divorce...Evan, did he not tell you?”

There was his mom, bless her soul, who always assumed Evan and Jared were a lot closer than they really were.

“No,” Evan’s frown matched hers. “Wait, Deborah and Michael are getting a divorce?”

His mom looked pained, but they both knew she had to go. “I’ll tell you more when I get home, I promise.”

“And there’s pizza in the freezer!” She added before shutting the door behind her.

And just like that, the house was empty again. Evan turned his attention to the text notification on his phone.

[Jared: AleXXXandra Acorn.]

Evan frowned, reading the text a few times more to try and find meaning.

[What?]

[That’s what your porn star name would be.]

[If Connor sold your phone number to the industry.]

[Very funny.]

Evan debated leaving it at that, catching up on his homework, finally doing the AP Lit reading so he’d have a clue in class. He even sat down at the kitchen table like he would if he was doing schoolwork. But he remembered Jared’s remark about not wanting anyone at his house, and he couldn’t refrain.

[Are you okay?] He sent.

Three dots appeared on his screen, then stopped, then reappeared. 

[Well I don’t have any arm injuries from jerking off, so I’d say I’m doing pretty well.]

[...]

[Why?]

Again, Evan didn’t let himself think about it. He was supposed to be a good friend, right? Or family friend?

[My mom told me about the divorce]

Three dots appeared, briefly, on the other side, but they didn’t return.

Evan sighed. He wasn’t afraid of double texting.

[She didn’t tell me any details or anything]

[It’s totally fine if you don’t wanna talk about it.]

Jared didn’t hold back. Not that he ever did.

[If I wanted to talk about it I would’ve told you]

[...]

[Sorry.]

Evan fired back:

[It’s ok]

He scratched at his wrist, trying to get under the cast, then sent:

[I’m here if you need me]

[Yeah.] was his only reply.

It coincided with a different text, from an unfamiliar number.

[Is this Evan?]

Evan felt the uncomfortable sweating return, but he supposed that anyone with anxiety also got jitters when a new number texted. Except that he knew who it was.

[Yeah.]

[Is this Connor?]

Connor was a fast texter, he noted. The [Yep] reply came back almost immediately.

[Thanks! I’ll make the group chat.] 

Evan’s finger hovered over the home button on his phone. He swore he wanted to leave things alone, but there had been something gnawing at him ever since the first day of school. He was wearing a cast with the name of the kid who attempted suicide scrawled on it. If Connor hadn’t made it, he would’ve been wearing a cast with the dead kid’s name on it.

It didn’t sit right in his stomach. He wanted to ask Connor why he’d made that decision. He felt guilty.

But Connor was faster than his anxious brain. 

[Do you want your letter back?]

Ah, there it was. The other shoe had dropped, confirming the premonition he’d had about texting.

Connor texted again,

[The one about Zoe.]

Evan wiped his hands on his pants, as they’d already become sweaty. Did he want it back? He’d already written a new letter for Dr. Sherman, and he’d been keeping up with them (mostly) since then. He didn’t... _need_ it per say, and if he could, he’d prefer to never see the damn thing again. It had caused enough trouble.

But, Connor wasn’t just some random kid who’d found his letter in the computer lab. He was the brother of Zoe, and the letter happened to be _about_ Zoe, which was how they got into that mess in the first place because apparently Connor was protective, or something. 

What if it was a trap? What if Connor was still mad about it, and he was going to show it to Zoe? Or the entire school?

[Yeah, sure.] He finally texted back, grateful that texts couldn’t reveal his sheer sense of panic.

Connor didn’t reply after that, which Evan took to either mean he would give it back tomorrow at school, or he was plotting an elaborate scheme to expose the letter schoolwide.

He hoped it was the former.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so much for reading! I know it's taken me a little while but I've got some conflicts/plot I do wanna get to in this story and I'm really glad you're sticking around for it! Stay tuned for more Zoe and please leave a comment if you enjoyed! <3


	4. Spaces

Evan hadn’t seen much of Zoe since the incident. Or, maybe, he just hadn’t been keeping an eye out for her as much as before.

That was taboo for Evan; there hadn’t been a stretch of time since sophomore year when he didn’t think about Zoe. As Jared liked to point out, that was weird or unhealthy or something, but Evan had slowly stopped caring. He wasn’t stalking her, he just needed something to look forward to, because school was hellish enough as it is.

But, whether he liked it or not, senior year was looking a lot different. Almost entirely due to Connor.

Who was shuffling around by his locker, obviously waiting on someone with a paper in his hand.

Evan nervously scanned the area for Zoe, then approached Connor once the coast was clear. 

And the handoff was smoother than he thought it would be. But then, as someone with an anxiety disorder, most things turned out smoother than Evan imagined. He wiped his sweaty hands on his pants and outstretched them for the letter.

He was looking at Evan in an almost calculating way, but deposited the letter in his hands anyways.

Evan glanced down at the paper, more troubling feelings returning to his chest than he cared to admit, and looked up. “Thank you--”

Connor had already stalked away. With that kind of urgency, Evan had to assume he was either hurrying to get a smoke in before class, or he just hated being around Evan.

Or both.

“Hey, is everything alright?” came a voice behind him.

Evan turned around in surprise and tried to not panic, seeing Zoe Murphy once again in front of him. She continued, “I saw my brother talking to you, and I just wanted to make sure--”

“Oh, no,” Evan quickly interrupted, “No, no he wasn’t uh-- giving me a hard time.”

Evan flapped the letter in his hands, knowing full well that if she got too big a glimpse his chances would forever be blown, but continued “We’re working on a project together. For AP Lit.” 

“Oh.” Zoe replied, smiling in relief. “I’m sorry,” She added with a tiny laugh, “I hope you each get your own grades.”

“Yeah,” Evan agreed fervently -- way, way too fervently, judging by Zoe’s taken aback face. 

“Well,” she added after a painfully long moment, “I’ll see you later, Evan.”

“Okay,” Evan replied dumbly.

“José,” Zoe finished with a smile. And then she was gone again.

Evan willed himself to only smile, not laugh freakishly like he did last time, but on the inside he felt as though his heart might burst. Zoe knew his name, and she wanted to make sure he was okay, and she remembered the stupid José thing--

“Easy, there,” came a voice close enough to his side to make him jump, “I’m pretty sure the face you’re making counts as public indecency.”

Evan turned to face Jared, desperately shushing him because Zoe was only barely out of earshot. 

Jared chuckled to himself. “Come on, man. Hitting on Zoe with your weird sex letter?”

“It’s not my-- it’s not a sex letter,” Evan sighed. He began making his way back towards his locker, unfortunately trailed by Jared. “Why’d I even tell you about it?”

“Because I’m your only-family-friend.” Jared replied easily. The three words had become a conglomerate for them.

They paused beside Evan’s locker, looking at each other for a moment.

“Can I see it?” Jared asked.

Evan’s arm twitched backwards, because his brain -- scratch that, his entire being -- rejected that idea. “No.”

Jared frowned in confusion. “I just wanna look. I mean, that letter made Connor wanna--”

“No, it didn’t,” Evan shot back, “Connor was dealing with his own stuff, okay, and my letter-- my letter is personal, Jared.”

“Personal?” Jared parroted, “So it’s definitely a sex thing.”

“No, it’s not.” Evan said, his voice growing more heated. “It’s a little more like a _ suicide _ thing.”

He didn’t mean for the words to slip out, especially not in the almost hiss-like way they did. But Evan was tired of lying, and once he’d said it, he doubled down. He clenched the letter in his only working fist and balled it up tightly. 

Jared exhaled, his shock thinly veiled beneath sarcasm. “Okay, tough guy.”

The bell rang, shrill and unapologetic.

“I’ll see you at four.” Jared added, before setting off to class.

_ Shit _ . Evan frantically checked his text messages, to see that Connor had indeed finally responded confirming their plans. They were meeting at Evan’s that afternoon to start the project.

But hey, at least Jared was bringing the posterboard. 

-

Evan hadn’t noticed how slowly his days went by while he was anxious. 

Okay, amendment -- when he was  _ extremely _ anxious. Over something happening that afternoon, with pretty much the only two people in the entire school who tolerated him, at his own house. That particular brand of anxiety was its own beast, and he found himself fidgeting in his seat through every class until the final bell rang.

Of course, his anxiety was not totally unfounded -- it was oh so helpful in making him actually  _ yelp _ when he exited the classroom and felt himself being tugged aside.

Evan breathed heavily, ignoring the stares of bewilderment from people in the halls, and glared at his apprehender. “Jesus, Jar--”

Connor stared back at him, unimpressed as ever. “Jared says he can give us a ride. He told me to get you--”

“Yeah.” Evan interrupted. He could feel the sweat droplets on his forehead from stressing all day, and he became acutely aware of how weird he must have looked. “Easy on the arm next time, okay?”

Connor made a placating motion with his hands.

Evan made it to the Subaru on adrenaline alone, and as soon as he got the passenger door open he was trying to word-vomit an apology.    
  


Jared cut him off promptly. “Get in, Evan. You’re fine.”

“I can take the bus.” Evan offered quietly as Connor shuffled into the backseat.

“This is faster anyways.”

Evan gave him panicked, conflicted eyes.

“Hansen.” Jared said with an exasperated sigh. 

Evan didn’t need to be told twice. Well, thrice. He didn’t need to be told thrice.

He tried to focus on his surroundings during the car ride. Grounding, his therapist had called it. Evan paid his attention to the sound of Murphy drumming on the poster board in the backseat, on the sound of Jared clicking his turn signal on and off, and on the unique awkward silence between three teenage boys who didn’t really know each other well.

“Cool place,” Connor broke the silence as they pulled in. 

“Hm?” Evan furrowed his brow. He’d always considered his house to be somewhat embarrassing; it wasn’t much bigger than an apartment, and it barely fell within the “middle-class” part of town. He was lucky he got zoned for a high school with any funding.

Then again, Evan thought to himself, Connor would probably love to live in a neighborhood full of tiny decrepit houses and potheads. “Uh, thanks.” He amended.

“Careful with the board,” Jared warned as they all got out of the car.

“Relax,” Connor replied with a grin, “No one’s gonna scratch your precious SUV.”

If Evan didn’t know any better, he would’ve sworn he saw Jared suppressing a smile.

-

Listening to Connor wax poetic about classic literature was akin to watching a rabid mutt give a TEDxTalk.

Maybe the metaphor was a little extreme, but Evan still felt like he was in an alternate reality at his own kitchen table. 

Even having finally caught up on the Beowulf readings, Evan felt completely out of his depth listening to Connor throw ideas at them for the project.

Jared cut in after a few minutes of -- honestly, strangely charming -- rambling. “Sounds great. Do you know what you’re going to  _ draw _ ?”

Connor looked taken aback for a moment, like he’d forgotten that he had only volunteered to do the art. But he quickly took to shuffling through his backpack and emerged with a sketchbook. “I’ve got a lot of ideas. Depending on which passages we choose.”

“Dude,” Jared replied as he clicked a pen, “I’m just gonna steal the ones you were just talking about.” He began scribbling down what he remembered of Connor’s speech.

Connor looked at Evan, who tried his best to not look dumbfounded. 

“For the research?” Evan half-asked, half-spoke. “I was gonna write something on the geography where it takes place and.. maybe do something on the architecture?”

“Of the mead hall?” Jared asked without looking up.

Now  _ that _ was an even stranger thing to occur at Evan’s kitchen table -- Jared actually being into a school project?

“Mhm.” Evan nodded.

At that moment, the trio was interrupted by the front door opening and the entrance of one Heidi Hansen.

“Hi, mom.” Evan greeted at the same time as Jared put on his most over-the-top, polite-young-man voice and said, “Hello, Ms. Hansen!”

“Oh, hi boys!” Heidi greeted warmly. She set her car keys down on the counter and turned to the three of them. “Who’s the new face?”

Evan chewed on his lip as Connor shook his mother’s hand. The sight was a very strange reminder that the same kid who shoved him to the ground weeks ago was now standing in his kitchen.

“Connor,” Heidi repeated back to him, “So nice to meet you. You know, Jared’s mom has invited us for dinner if you want to join--”

“She did?” Jared interjected. 

“That’s okay,” Connor offered, uncharacteristically politely. “We were almost finished here.”

Evan cleared his throat and nodded. “So, geography and architecture. I’ll type up like.. three paragraphs, if that’s cool with you guys?”

Jared nodded and stood to gesture at the blank poster board, which they’d propped up on the table. “They could probably go in every other space, here.”

Connor looked analytically over the board and gave a thoughtful nod. “Then the passages above them...” He pointed.

“And then your drawings.” Jared finished, gesturing towards the upper half of the board. “How big are they?”

“Depends on the passages,” Connor picked up Jared’s notepad with the scenes he’d selected and read over it. “Probably sketchbook size.” He decided.

“Perfect,” Jared concluded, “Great work, guys.” He praised, with the satisfaction of someone who knew he hadn’t done any real work.

“You wanna take the board, Connor?” Evan finally piped up. “So you can place the drawings wherever.”

Connor nodded and took the comically large trifold into his arms, while shoving his sketchbook back into his bag in the same motion.

“I can give you a ride back home.” Jared offered, suddenly more eager to leave.

Evan had a feeling he maybe, possibly wasn’t looking forward to dinner at his house.

“Drop you off on the way back to my place.” Jared added, receiving a nod from Connor. 

“Oh, well why don’t we all go?” Heidi suggested cheerily. She paused her dish-washing and grabbed a towel to dry her hands off. “That’ll save us a trip, and your mom and I can get an early start on dinner.”

Evan was almost sure that Jared and Connor felt the same amount of sheer disdain for that idea that he did, but none of them said a word to disagree. Something about his mom, Evan knew, just made it impossible for anyone to be cruel to her. Even the usually unpredictable Murphy forced a polite smile behind the board he was carrying.

“Sure thing,” Jared replied with an only slightly noticeable strain in his voice, “Let’s go.”

With that, Evan found himself in the backseat with Connor and a poster board and settled in for what had to be the most awkward car ride of his life thus far.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Sorry for the hiatus, please stay tuned for Jared actually talking with Evan abt serious things for once,, and maybe, just maybe... a dog. If you're new here, or if you enjoyed, please feel free to leave a comment!


	5. Blips

Evan wasn’t the one who sucked at cooking.

This was the lie he told himself each time he and Jared were politely nudged out of the kitchen while helping prepare dinner.

Jared was the one who always managed to season the porkchop wrong, or have a dangerously close call with the chef’s knife -- he was the real reason they got banished to his bedroom until dinner.

Evan would be lying, though, if he didn’t say he had missed just being in the Kleinman house. It had been years since Evan had so much as stepped foot in it, and probably longer since he’d hung out in Jared’s room. 

Not all of which was Jared’s fault. Sure, Jared had done his fair share of pushing Evan away since middle school. But Evan had declined a number of invitations to dinner at their home, thanks to his crippling anxiety and knowledge of Jared’s disdain. Besides, both of their families were just...busier, now. Heidi was working towards her BSN, Jared’s mom was as busy as a real estate agent as ever, and now this divorce business-- which Evan still hadn’t received any details about.

“Hey,” Jared said as he opened the door to his room, disrupting Evan from his thoughts. He shot a pointed look at Evan. “Were you listening to me?”

Evan blinked. “Not really.”

“Player one or player two?” Jared repeated, leading the way into his room. It was just as messy as Evan remembered it, but the posters on the walls had changed and a strip of red LED lights lit the back wall.

“Two’s fine.” Evan mumbled. He shut the door behind him, squinting to adjust to the strangely dim, reddish lighting of the room.

Jared still had his TV set up by the foot of his bed -- Evan remembered being so jealous of him in 6th grade for being allowed to have one in his room. And the second point of envy, the Xbox One, sat humming atop the TV stand.

Jared pulled out a chair from his desk for Evan to sit on, and took his own seat on the edge of his bed. 

“How much do you wanna bet you’re still garbage at this?” Jared asked.

Evan didn’t conceal his worried frown as he sat, taking a controller offered by Jared. “Nothing. I don’t even know what we’re playing.”

“Black Ops,” Jared said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. “A throwback.”

Light from the TV screen flickered and cast shadows across the room as Jared navigated the game menu.

“Oh, good.” Evan deadpanned. “The one I never won a single game of?”

“The very same,” Jared replied with some sadistic enthusiasm. A smile played on his lips, the one he always got when Evan imitated his sarcasm.

As Evan predicted, he couldn’t make it past the first three minutes of the game before being violently shot to death. Jared told him he had improved since the last time they’d played, but Evan wasn’t sure if he was being serious.

After Evan’s fourth failed attempt, he sighed in defeat and slumped back in the chair. “This is impossible. I have a nonfunctional hand.” He waved his left arm a bit for emphasis, showing his limited range of movement in his fingers.

Jared chuckled, not taking his eyes off the mission in front of him. “Just _relax_. I’ve got this.”

“Of course you do.” Evan grumbled. He glanced behind him at Jared, slouched over in focus with the game reflecting off the lenses of his glasses. That couldn’t be a healthy posture.

Jared managed to clear the level in the next minute, seemingly almost _faster_ than he would have with a teammate. Evan tried not to let that sink in, lest it damage his small remaining pride.

Evan announced he would rather just watch until dinner was ready, and watch he did. Jared’s playing was more relaxed now, and Evan became the one transfixed on the screen. There was something satisfying about watching the bloody victories in front of him -- _God help any little kids who are growing up with these games_ , he mused.

“You okay?” Jared asked after a few minutes. His on-screen character slowed to an aimless walk. 

Evan hadn’t even realized that he’d curled up on the desk chair, knees tucked into his chest. He lifted his head up. “Yeah, why?”

“You’re just really quiet.” Jared answered, picking back up the pace on his game.

Evan mulled this over for a moment. “Well, I wanna talk to you.”

He could see Jared’s confused face from the corner of his eye. 

“Then talk.” Jared replied simply.

Evan figured he had never been the smoothest socializer anyways, and bit the bullet. “How long have you known? About the divorce, I mean.”

There was a moment of pause, where Evan wasn’t sure if Jared would ixnay the conversation again, and kick Evan back out of his room.

Then Jared exhaled. “Mom sat me down a few weeks ago.” His eyes didn’t move from the screen, changing out his virtual weapon and trudging on.

Evan was listening intently, but had returned his gaze back to the screen for Jared’s sake. 

Jared continued. “Turns out, this lady we’ve known for a little while— one of my mom’s friends, actually— has been...” He trailed off.

Evan chewed on his lip anxiously. Divorce, as it turned out, was a topic as difficult to talk about as it was to hear about.

Jared cleared his throat, and finished simply, “My dad has been cheating on my mom for almost three years.”

He said it with a small break in his voice, and Evan thought it might have been the first time he’d said it aloud. He got up from his desk chair, cautiously sitting beside Jared on the bed.

“That sucks.” Evan said quietly. He knew he had a problem with understating things, so he tried to emphasize the sympathy in his voice. Maybe if he did that comforting shoulder rub thing-- 

“Ew,” Jared suddenly laughed, scooting backwards, “Don’t touch me.” His tone was lighter than usual though, and Evan couldn’t help but smile back at him.

“Sorry,” He mumbled. 

Jared looked him over for another second, then chuckled again. “You are painfully bad at reading social cues, you know?”

Evan opened his mouth to reply, but Jared had tossed an arm around him and pulled him into a hug.

Evan returned it almost without thinking, replying, “That doesn’t help, Jared.”

“I know,” Jared said in a way where Evan could almost _hear_ his smirk. Jared pulled back and picked his controller back up. “Thanks, man.”

“You’re...welcome,” Evan tried, resuming his favored video game-watching position on the bed. He rested his head on his knees.

Jared was once again hyper focused on the game, fingers flicking across the controller’s buttons nearly autonomously. “What about you, Hansen? Got anything you’re dying to tell me about?”

Evan narrowed his eyes, glancing at Jared’s face to try and decipher if the question was genuine. He settled on something safe, “Not really.”

“Can’t hold out on me forever.”

Evan’s shoulders tensed up a bit. “What’s _that_ supposed to mean?”

  
Jared must have picked up on Evan’s guarded tone; he slipped in his focus and his character took a critical hit. Quietly, he resumed.

Evan sighed. “I didn’t mean to like-- snap at you, at school.”

“I’d snap too,” Jared said easily. “You’re dealing with some shit.”

“Not right now, I’m not.”

“Evan,” Jared snipped, sounding more tired than he did annoyed. “Seriously.”

When Evan said nothing, Jared rolled his eyes and stood to eject the game. “So it’s the bribery route.”

Confused, Evan watched Jared fiddle with the console and slip another game disc in. After a few moments, the TV screen lit up with a familiar menu screen.  
  


Evan forgot his worries for a moment. “ _Kingdom Hearts_?!”

  
“Yes, Kingdom Hearts.” Jared plopped back down on his bed and tossed Evan’s controller back at him. “Dweeb.”

“I don’t get to play video games at my house,” Evan said defensively. He glided through the character creation with familiarity. 

“Come over more, then.” Jared replied. He sat back and watched Evan play solo for a few minutes, the smells of dinner wafting throughout the house.

Evan was the one to break the silence. “That letter wasn’t a suicide note.”

Jared cocked an eyebrow.

“I don’t think I would write one anyways.” Evan pressed on. “If I did it. That letter was to myself.”

A beat. Then, Jared replied, “This doesn’t make me feel better about your brain situation.”

“It was an assignment from my therapist,” Evan continued. Upbeat island music played from the television as his character arrived on a new island. It was a weird backdrop to the conversation, he thought.

“Why did Connor have it, then?” Jared asked.

Evan figured he couldn’t embarrass himself anymore in front of Jared. “Mentioned Zoe in it.”

“Of course.”

Evan chuckled softly, unexpectedly. “I’ve still got it if you want to read it.”

Jared cocked his head to the side. “You sure? Because this morning I thought you were gonna beat me up.”

“I was not--,” Evan turned to see Jared making an exaggerated, terrified face with his lip quivering. He snorted. “Yeah, right. I’m still a cripple.”

Jared’s face returned to normal. “I don’t know man, remember seventh grade wrestling? You could’ve gone pro.”

“Please don’t bring that up,” Evan groaned, much to Jared’s amusement. Evan fished into his pants pocket for the tiny, folded up note.

“I still don’t know why you dropped out. You’re wasting your talent.” Jared finished. He accepted the note from Evan, unfolding it with a critical look. “This is crumpled as shit.”

“I kinda hulked out on it.” Evan agreed.

Jared’s eyes flicked over the note, seeming to skim it more than read. Evan could see the text even upside down, though, and he felt a lump in his throat form as he remembered writing it. There it was, staring back at the both of them:

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_Turns out this wasn’t an amazing day after all. This isn’t going to be an amazing week or an amazing year, because why would it be?_

_I know, because there’s Zoe, and all my hope is pinned on Zoe, who I don’t even know, and doesn’t know me. Maybe if I could just talk to her. Maybe nothing would be different at all. I wish everything was different._

_I wish I was part of something. I wish that anything I said mattered to anyone. I mean face it, would anyone notice if I just disappeared tomorrow?_

_Sincerely,_

_Your most best, and dearest friend, Me_

“If that’s nothing,” Jared started, “I’d love to see what your definition of ‘something going on’ is.”

“You sound like my therapist.”

“Your _therapist_ sounds like he’s encouraging you to be a stalker.” Jared countered. “It is not healthy to be thinking about Zoe this much.”

“She makes me happy,” Evan said before he could stop himself, cringing at the sound of it.

Jared gestured at the TV, with its idle character on screen and bouncy beach music. “Okay, well so does Kingdom Hearts, but I don’t see you sniffing Kingdom Hearts’ hair.”

“I do not sniff Zoe’s -- Jared, that doesn’t even make sense. Games don’t have hair.” 

“Not the point.” Jared continued, with perhaps unearned confidence. “You need to see a different therapist.”

“Your reasoning is stupid,” Evan replied immediately, “But I don’t like him either...I probably do need to look into it.”

Jared picked up Evan’s controller again, nudging it against his hand. “You could see the lady Connor’s seeing.”

Evan returned to the game, mulling it over. “I just-- I don’t know if it’s that serious.”

“Connor tried to kill himself, you _almost_ tried to kill yourself--”   
  


“I never said that.” Evan interjected, perhaps because Jared was getting too close to the truth.

“Whatever, I’m sure she could handle you.”

“I’ll think about it.” Evan assured. He found staying too long on this topic of conversation was a little like treading water, and he’d started to get sore.

“Will you think about it more if I help you with dish duty?” Jared asked.

“Will you stop interrogating me and let me collect these coconuts?”

“This game is dumb.” Jared said, checking his text messages. “And dinner’s ready.”

-

Jared made good on his promise. By the time Heidi and Deborah had settled in the living room with glasses of wine, claiming they’d be leaving “in just a few minutes”, Evan and Jared had both started loading the dishwasher.

“Nice cups,” Evan commented with a small smile, noticing the top rack.

Jared followed his gaze to a pair of Chuck E. Cheese themed cups there. He recovered quickly. “They’re quality.”

“Yeah,” Evan agreed, still grinning as he continued to load in glasses, “They’ve lasted almost a decade.”

Jared shrugged. “It’s not my fault I was invited to the coolest second grade birthday party ever.”

“Time of my life,” Evan agreed, remembering their second grade classmate whose name escaped him.

“I bet it was.” Jared grinned.

Evan huffed. Jared had a way of always out-snarking his opponents; it was a skill Evan had been trying to replicate since they met. It was probably how Jared managed to avoid a lot of flack from classmates he’d otherwise receive -- considering his whole loner in board shorts, video-games-are-my-life schtick. 

“You think Connor kept his?”

Jared fixed Evan with a quizzical look. “Connor wasn’t at that party.”

“Oh,” Evan set to rifling through Jared’s cabinets beneath the sink. “He wasn’t?”

“Are you kidding?” Jaded crouched down beside Evan, pointing out the box of dishwashing pods. “Printer kid wasn’t getting invited anywhere.”

“Huh.” Evan popped the pod in, closing up the dishwasher. “I forgot that was second grade.”

“Poor him, right?” Jared remarked. “No Chuck E. Cheese cups.”

Evan smiled at the joke, but couldn’t help feeling a little bad for him. “Isn’t he Jewish?”

Jared raised his eyebrows at the question, making his glasses slip down just a bit. “Am I my brother’s keeper?”

“Jared,” Evan whined.

“I- yeah, I think so. Why?”

“We should invite him over.” Evan suggested. “For Yom Kippur.”

Jared snorted. “Yeah, Connor Murphy would make great dinner company.”

He met Evan’s eyes and heaved a sigh. “Oh, you’re serious.”

Evan nodded.

“What, everyone has to have dinner at my house while I’m dealing with a _divorce_?” Jared asked, exaggerating his annoyance. 

“It doesn’t have to be here.” Evan argued, “We could do it at my place.”

“Or the Murphy’s,” Jared interjected, his eyes lighting up. “That’s an idea.”

“A bad one,” Evan countered just as quickly.

“Come on, don’t you wanna know what the inside of _that_ place looks like?” Jared nudged Evan’s arm with his elbow. “And you’d get to see Zoe.”

Evan frowned and pushed himself away. “Let’s see if we can survive this project, then we’ll know if Connor will let us into his house.”

“Especially considering he knows about your obsession with his sister now.”

  
“ _Jared._ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Comments make my day <3


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